Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty
I have very fond memories of “Zoolander” and I treasure it as a comedy for many reasons. The first of those reasons is that when I saw it in the cinema I had a profoundly enjoyable time. I also spilt nacho cheese onto my shirt and then zipped up a white Reebok tracksuit jacket I was wearing over the top of said cheese. Emerging from the dark of the cinema screen I soon realised both my jacket and shirt were ruined, but I didn’t really mind. “Zoolander” was so good it made me completely forget my dairy-based catastrophe and for that it will always have a place in my heart.
“Zoolander” also marked the first time I had ever seen Will Ferrell. Arguably the brightest comedic star of the last ten years, Ferrell is on full-tilt as the maniacal Mugatu and in 2001, he was a revelation. Another great thing about “Zoolander” is it’s quotability. It’s a great way to bond with strangers as I found it in my first few weeks of university. Why sit down and awkwardly find out someone’s life story when you can happily drink beer and quote “Zoolander” with them? When you have lines as good as this, and this, and this, you simply have to quote them again and again.
In all seriousness “Zoolander” remains classic because it is so unashamedly stupid. Like the great comedies before it it forsakes narrative coherence for kidney shots of laughs and relentless jokes. There’s not a dull moment in it and I absolutely love everybody involved in it.
It’s like ordering a pizza. You ask for Canadian Bacon you end up with a German sausage
The film that effectively put a nail in the coffin of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie career (Phase 1), “Collateral Damage” is made even sourer by the fact that it could have resurrected it.
Originally planned for an October 2001 release, “Collateral Damage” is about a Los Angeles firefighter who loses his wife and son in a terrorist attack, and then seeks revenge on those responsible. Obviously given the events one month previous Warner Bros thought this release was perhaps too soon and decided to push the film back to February 2002. Given the hysteria that enveloped the Western world post-9/11, this could have been a considered, interesting look at the realities of terrorism.
Unfortunately Schwarzenegger’s never really been very keen on considered films, and “Collateral Damage” emerges from the rubble as a grossly misjudged action film.
As always Schwarzenegger does his best but he his hampered by a ridiculously bad script and poor direction. His character development could simply be summed up in the words fire and fighter. That’s all you need to know. Before the action gets underway the scenes where we discover the heart of this man, what really makes him tick, are cringeworthy. The opening scenes of “Commando” were done tongue-in-cheek and played on the audience’s perceptions. The opening scenes of “Collateral Damage” are brutally awful. It doesn’t really get any better with the film tumbling down the rabbit hole of xenophobic stereotypes, stunted action sequences and just crap dialogue. One of IMDB’s ‘choice’ quotes goes like this:
MAIN BAD GUY: When are you going to kill me? SCHWARZENEGGER: NOW!
Sort of sets the tone really? There is fun to be had though in spotting how Arnie’s stunt double looks nothing like him. Also Jane Lynch turns up and gets her neck snapped in a toilet, which is interesting.
Apart from that though, it really is slim pickings. The only positive from watching this is that you’ll probably end up watching “Commando” right afterwards, and that is amazing.
I love Steven Soderbergh so much. I love him because he does what he wants. I love him because he has a vision for every film he makes. I love him because he fulfills that vision no matter what. Who else could make such diverse films as “Ocean’s Eleven”, “Traffic”, “The Informant!” and “Contagion” and still have time to develop a film entirely around a female MMA fighter with no previous acting experience?
“Haywire” arrives as a star vehicle for the enigmatic Gina Carano. Watch any of her work inside the ring, and you’ll see she is a force to be reckoned with. Physical prowess however doesn’t always denote acting skill and so in order to prevent “Haywire” from becoming a total car crash, Soderbergh surrounds Carano with a cast to (literally) die for.
We have, in alphabetical order, Antonio Banderas, Michael Douglas, Michael Fassbender, Ewan McGregor, Bill Paxton and… erm, Channing Tatum. That last name aside, these are top top proper actors starring in a pulpy action thriller. It’s brilliant because the entire plot is basically Carano kicking seven bells out of each of them in turn. For all the jokes around Charming Potato, he is actually very good in this and nearly steals the film. That honour, inevitably, goes to the Fass but each cast member holds their own admirably. Carano on the other hand, does notably struggle with the emotional scenes and this is where the film really slows down. When she’s in action mode she is unstoppable and totally engaging. When she’s talking… nah so mach.
But like I’ve said before, you don’t go to a steak house for a salad*, and “Haywire” is an action film through and through. It’s bone-crunchingly good fun and just proves Steven Soderbergh can do whatever the hell he likes, and it will most likely be amazing.
I have to admit, I was never a huge fan of Guy Ritchie’s re-boot of “Sherlock Holmes”. When the first film arrived nearly three years ago, I was at my peak of dislike for both the British director (thanks in part to the horrible “Revolver”) and the American star. Between then and now my disdain for the pairing of Ritchie and Downey had subdued somewhat, so I found myself intrigued by the prospect of the “Game Of Shadows”.
Unfortunately this film made less of an impact on me than the middling, meandering first instalment.
There are a lot of things I disliked about this unnecessary sequel and rare few things I did enjoy, but in the interest of goodwill, I’ll start with the things I liked.
Stephen Fry.
Now onto the things I didn’t like. First of all, Robert Downey Jr. I know Holmes is supposed to be a cocksure, arrogant knob but Downey really hammers the point home, almost up to the point of him winking into the camera whilst throwing his paycheck around the room. He phones in his performance without a hint of emotion and any chemistry he had achieved with Jude Law in the first film completely falls flat. Speaking of Law, the only thing he really contributes is fabulous facial hair and seemingly collected his cheque and moved onto the ext project. Noomi Rapace was criminally underused and Jared Harris as Moriarty was also wasted. The action scenes felt very flat and cliched, and the gags tasted rather stale as well.
Basically, I really didn’t think it was all that and the underlying sense that everyone was simply cashing in on the first film’s success pervaded ever scene. Slightly cynical, kind of boring; not the best way to spend your afternoon in my opinion.
Amidst all the furor over “The Avengers” breaking the box office and “Prometheus” dialling it’s viral campaign up to eleven, it seemed that perhaps people had forgotten about “The Dark Knight Rises”. Luckily though, the main feature trailer dumped onto the internet yesterday and appropriately set it ablaze.
Christopher Nolan’s final part to his Batman trilogy sees uber-villain Bane arrive on the scene and basically screw Batman’s day. This trailer illustrates that and makes “The Dark Knight Rises” look freakin’ awesome. While it may not have the Whedon wisecracks (the final joke falls a little flat), the film more than makes up for it with a truly malevolent looking villain, some sweet action and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
I was definitely excited before, now I’m on tenterhooks waiting for this. S’going to be a good one metinks*.
That’s my reggae voice. I go reggae when I’m excited.
I’m having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you’d never know it
Steve Coogan is like the Heart of the Ocean. He is a treasure worth saving, preserving and he should be placed behind a glass cage for all ages to admire. He should not be tossed into the ocean because some old chick told Bill Paxton a stupid story. National treasure, Saxondale, Alan Partridge, the tiny centurion from the “Night At The Museum” films; what do all of these things have in common? Yes, that word again. Coogan.
It is with this reverence and appreciation for his genius that I bring you “Hamlet 2”, the hugely underrated and grossly hilarious comedy 2008 comedy comedy. I added two extra comedies there because “Hamlet 2” is twice as funny as most of the ‘comedies’ put out these days and it deserves far more recognition. It is directed by Andrew Fleming and written by him and Pam Brady. Now as far as comedy credentials go, that should be enough. You see Andrew Fleming worked on a little show called “Arrested Development”, arguably one of the greatest comedy series ever and one that has set the bar for every television sitcom ever since. Pam Brady, as well as working on “South Park” and “Hot Rod”, she also co-wrote my favourite comedy if all time “Team America: World Police”. Now with that in mind, it is no surprise to reveal I loved “Hamlet 2”.
The tale of a wayward drama teacher trying to save the arts, “Hamlet 2” is a gag-a-minute, irreverent musical / inspirational teacher movie that combines all types of humour. Want dick jokes? They’re here. Want songs about Jesus having a surfer’s body? Oh yeah, that’s in? Physical comedy, or slap stick as it’s sometimes referred to; all there people and more. In fact, it’s so good it even goes on to touch on social issues (only slightly) while at the same time subverting them.
I really really like this film but then I seem to be one of the only people who liked “MacGruber” and apparently that was stupid. If this is trash, then call me a trash eater. I’ll gorge on this type of comedy until the cows come home because you know what? I will always think someone having a trashcan kicked in their face is funny. Always.
It’s astounding to think that the film Spielberg made after this one was a small little picture called “Schindler’s List”. The fact that he could make those two films back-to-back proves he’s one of the greats. “Jurassic Park” is undoubtedly one of his best and it contains the best suspense since “Jaws”, the best child actors since “E.T.” and the best animatronic dinosaurs since… well, you get the idea.
Basically “Jurassic Park” is an unstoppable thrill ride that (even though you know where it’s going) continually surprises you. It’s the type of film that if you meet late on a weeknight on some ITV offshoot channel, no matter what point you join the film, you will invariably watch the whole thing. There are so many great scenes that most of the time you’re watching you’re thing of things to come. The T-Rex sequence! The electric fence, the kitchen sequence, Laura Dern running through the jungle with her flashlight tailing behind her, the final deus ex machina, Sam Neill taking of his sunglasses!
Seriously though, this is a film I could watch over and over and still find something wonderful. Utterly gripping, astonishing and entertaining; everything the Bearded One does oh so well.
We’re not bad people. We just come from a bad place
Remember my name, Shame! I’m gonna live forever! I’m gonna learn how to fly, high! I feel it coming together. People will see me and cry, Shame! I’m gonna make it to heaven. Light up the sky like a flame, Shame! I’m gonna live forever, baby remember my name!
Hopefully that awkward outburst has diffused some of the tension surrounding the review of a film based on the perils and potholes of sex addiction. Director Steve McQueen’s “Shame” is about as far removed from Irene Cara’s chart-busting hit as one could hope to be and it is a draining, emotional, beautiful film.
Michael Fassbender plays Brandon, a wealthy New Yorker with an insatiable penchant for sex. Under his smooth veneer he hides hard drives filled with porn, liaisons with prostitutes, regular visits to sex clubs and frequent masturbation; all rolled together with a large dose of self-loathing. He is a man completely trapped by his addiction and only just about stays on top of it thanks to his carefully managed lifestyle. He never gets to close, keeps everything together, and satisfies his every desire.
All this is interrupted however with the arrival of his sister (Carey Mulligan) who is the ying to his yang. Out of control, emotionally available and incredibly needy, her appearance shatters his comfortable existence and brings his addiction crashing into the foreground.
Anyone who has watched Steve McQueen’s debut “Hunger” will know that the man is patient. That film included a 17 minute long take and so to find “Shame” moves at a slow pace should come at no surprise. McQueen is an observer and does not judge BRandon or his actions. He simply documents them and allows the emotions on display to tell us what’s going on. Michael *cough*WhereWasHisOscarNomination*cough* Fassbender gives quite simply, an astounding performance. The man can clearly act but his portrayal here is something else. It is physical, emotional, it is everything; he encapsulates Brandon and becomes him completely. Which is horrible because Brandon is so tragic. The Fass plays it absolutely perfectly as Brandon is a ball of hatred and lust and he delivers some butt-clenchingly emotional moments.
Despite his dominance of the film (he’s in every scene), Fassbender isn’t the only great actor showing their skills here and Carey Mulligan puts in another stellar performance as Brandon’s damaged sister Sissy. She’s been consistently excellent in everything I’ve seen and she does not disappoint here bringing power and vulnerability to a tough role. It could have easily been so annoying, shrill and unlikable but Mulligan reigns her performance so that is a nuanced display of someone looking for affection. In that respect she is the same as Brandon, but in so many other ways they can never really connect.
McQueen and co-writer Abi Morgan, have crafted a supremely believable and devastatingly realistic portrayal of sex addiction. This comes with scenes of a sexual nature and McQueen does not hold back. It is uncomfortable to watch at times but it absolutely should be. Sex addiction is rarely discussed publicly (if even privately) and for a filmmaker to be so bold in choosing his project marks McQueen out as a director with a lot to say.
I loved “Hunger” and “Shame” is my film of the year so far. Brutal, uncompromising and astounding, I simply urge everyone to see it.
A new David Cronenberg film is always something to shout about and so it’s with great anticipation I eye the feature trailer for his latest, “Cosmopolis”.
Based on the novel by Don DeLillo it sees R-Patz playing a millionaire hotshot trekking across Manhattan while seemingly all hell breaks loose. Yes, that was a giant rat stalking through the city. Yes, R-Patz shot his own hand at the end. Basically this looks totally mental and I for one am looking forward to it. Cronenberg is a crazy guy for sure and it looks like Robert Pattinson seems pretty intent on shaking off any stigma the “Twilight” series may have caused him.
I know primarily this is a movie blog and often television feels like the rejected child left out in the rain, however I thought I must make a quick point praising the return of “Game Of Thrones” to our screens this month. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss’ spectacular fantasy series has lost none of its vigour (only three episodes have so far screened) and it looks to be bigger, bolder and bloodier than it’s predecessor.
Personally I am looking forward to this series immensely because I absolutely loved the second book in George R. R. Martin’s “A Song Of Fire And Ice”, namely “A Clash Of Kings”. There are so many wonderful scenes to come and I cannot wait to see how the creative team tackle them. Also, mad props Alfie Allen in the expanded role of Theon Greyjoy. I loved him in the book and Allen is proving to be the dark horse amongst some immense acting talent. Also, Liam Cunningham! Super stuff.
The next episode airs on Monday night and I am so excited it’s slightly ridiculous. I hope Martin never stops writing these books because the television series is utterly enthralling and I hope it lasts forever.
"You never want to be cutesy about it, when you’re evoking classic horror, and you want it to feel classic, which is ultimately why it’s called The Cabin in the Woods: It’s really the first place in America that was ever terrifying, and remains so."
- Joss Whedon discussing “The Cabin In The Woods”.
